Letter to The Editor

From my presence here in Derby I have had plenty of opportunities to foretell the future, but many aspects of the modern railway have taken me by surprise. One such has been the Far North Line going backwards in terms of speed.

I believe I can help you in turning the slow speed limits now in force through all your passing loops in to an advantage. I was very proud of my design of water scoop for my state of the art Midland 4F 0-6-0 goods engines. I am sure it could be adapted as a poop scoop for your litter problem.

All the driver would have to do on entering a loop such as at Brora would be to lower the scoop and collect all the cans and bottles which your society seems to spawn. I believe the aluminium cans are a very valuable resource which could be recycled to provide more spanking new examples of these trains you have nowadays.

I would go further and suggest that my patent sanding gear could also be adapted to deliver disinfectant or compost rotting agents through the sand pipes to deal with the "softer" detritus which also seems to be a problem in your age. You see, Derby still lives (if that is the right word) up to its name as the research and ideas centre of the railways!

Please don't think this is ghost written. Telegraph me and I'll write to you another time about your need to reinvent real signals.

In the mean time I remain Sir, your most humble and obedient servant

H Fowler E-SQUIRE.
1 April 1923.