PRESS RELEASE

Embargoed till 00.01 01/04/12

INVERNESS CALEDONIAN SLEEPERS

F Coach
Rogart Station
North Britain

Dear First Coach,

I am instructed by the Secretcy of State to inform you that your tender to run the Sleeper Trainzz Franchise from 2014 has been successful.

There are certain conditions attached.

1. Naming of the coaches will be permitted. Annie, Clarabel, Felicity, Lettie and Kate are admirable names. More controversial names such as Madonna should be avoided.
2. However, the use of the name You'll Have Had Your Tea for the Refreshment Car from Aberdeen will only be permitted provided it is made quite clear by placing a notice amongst the ham sandwiches that this name is Tongue in Cheek.
3. Getting your Auntie Mac Asser to embroider the pillow cases will be permitted provided decency is observed.
4. Your proposed call at Tomatin with the Kingussie Commuter would be seen as a franchise extension to be undertaken at your own risk. There would be no question of extending the call there for long enough to shunt the distillery siding.
5. Replacement road sleepers, when required, should be souterble for all passengers' mobility needs. Such road vehicles should be provided with adequate bed restraints to prevent free fall accidents whether asleep or not.

I trust you can work up the appropriate safety case to allow you to accept this offer.

Office of Rail Manipulation.

STOP PRESS

HM Chancellor of the Exchequer is prepared to make the sum of £50M available for refurbishing the fleet and the Scottish Finance Secretary is to make an equivalent sum available after he has sorted some waterworks.

In view of your track record in Cornwall, HM Chancellor is willing also to consider your bid for the NIGHT RIVIERA SERVICE and will be in contact with your agent, Pasty, at your Cornish address in due course.

ENDS.